Cell Phone Users and the Airport Gate Area

An essay by Dave Ratisher, August 8, 2003

What is it about people on their cell phones in the airport gate area? We all know about rude people on their cell phones in restaurants, in movie theaters, in the mall, in any public place…but is it worse anywhere than while waiting for your flight in the gate area at the airport?

I’m astonished at how people, who probably would otherwise fiercely guard their privacy, have no qualms about broadcasting the most intimate details of their business or personal life with no concept that 50 or more other people are sitting in immediate proximity. Is it grandiose self-importance, or is it utter cluelessness when they pick up that phone that this is a public place and not their home, private office, or car?

This is not limited to just men or just women, nor is it limited to just business travelers or just vacationers. No matter who it is, the conversation always, always, starts like this, at full volume: “YEAH, I’M JUST SITTING HERE WAITING FOR MY FLIGHT AT <insert city here> AIRPORT!” Of course, if you’re lucky they’re just sitting there…many times they’re pacing back and forth having this conversation! Oh, and my favorite (not!) is the clown on the hands-free set-up, where the mike is the kind that hangs down on the wire from the earpiece. Even though that puts the mike not far from the caller’s mouth, since it’s not right ON the mouth, the caller feels the need to shout even louder (“Can you hear me NOW?!?”).

From there, if it’s a business traveler, you (and everyone else in the immediate area) have the opportunity to learn about how many units he/she just sold, how much profit the deal made, how many layoffs are about to happen, how management is about to get restructured (complete with full names of the players!), the caller’s travel itinerary for the next 2 weeks (complete with contact phone numbers), and on and on. These are the kinds of conversations that, if conducted in an office environment, would be closed-door sessions. Why does being in the airport mean that the listeners are necessarily anonymous? I could be an employee of a competitor company. Heck, I could be an employee of the caller's company, unbeknownst to him/her, and now I know all about the impending layoffs!

If it’s a casual traveler, the possibilities are endless. The INTERMINABLE details about dinner at the cousins’ house, Mom’s colon polyps, the details of the baby’s latest vomit episode (complete with a description of the contents of said vomit),  Bob’s vasectomy (and sperm count!), nothing’s off limits to these callers (and thus, nothing’s off limits to all of us given the privilege to listen in). Once again, did picking up the phone magically endow the caller with a private room (as if the "Cone of Silence" from Get Smart dropped into place)? Would the caller have this conversation for all to hear if he/she were face-to-face with the person to whom he/she was talking…or, more likely, would they whisper or move to a more secluded location for the chat?

One of these days, when I finally get up the nerve (I’m pretty nervy, but I haven’t reached this point of moxie just yet), the next time one of these yahoos starts one of these conversations in my vicinity, I’m going to pick up my cell phone and pretend to call my doctor, and at full volume (for all, including the rude clown who caused this, to hear), say, “YES, DOCTOR, I WIPED THE FECES OFF THE GENERAL AREA, BUT THERE WAS STILL BLOOD IN IT. <pause> YEAH, I KNOW IT’S A RECTAL DISCOMFORT, BUT IT’S STILL AN IMPROVEMENT OVER THE INSECTS I FOUND CRAWLING IN MY GENITAL AREA…” And when the offending nearby caller dares to give ME the evil eye, I’ll simply say, again at full volume for all to hear, “HAVE I MADE MY POINT?!?” Guaranteed applause from the other gate area occupants, and utter shame for the offending yahoo. The day’s coming, and coming soon. I’ve come “thisclose” to doing it already…so keep your eyes peeled; you may read about the incident in the USA Today one of these days.

I’ve read recently where there are proposals in process to remove the current limitation where cell phone users must turn off their phone when the plane door closes, and to allow cell users to be able to continue to use their phones throughout the whole flight. Is it not enough that these people are so self-important that they feel they MUST turn their phones back on the moment the plane touches the ground, lest they wait one more minute than necessary to make that next call or listen to the voicemail that came in while they were flying? Is it not enough that we must suffer the indignities of cramped seats, overcrowded planes, stressed flight attendants in fear of their jobs when the next layoff hits, over-stimulated children banging on the tray tables behind us with their parents doing nothing to discourage it, and now we may have to listen to these clowns on their phones throughout the entire flight, not in a somewhat open area around the gate where you could at least walk away, but in an enclosed aluminum tube with nowhere to flee for the next several hours?

I try not to be a hypocrite about this issue. I do have a loud speaking voice. I do carry a cell phone. I do use it while I’m waiting at an airport from time to time…you’ve got to get there so darned early because of security nowadays, why not pass the time doing something productive, or catching up with an old friend or family member? The difference is, I make it a POINT to locate an empty gate, or retreat to a far corner of a gate area where I won’t disturb everyone around me. I’ve been known to THANK others I witness engaging in the same considerate behavior.

This is not rocket science. All it will take will be one or two well-publicized incidents of public humiliation and we can get the ball rolling on this. It’s time to solve the problem. And as for the proposals about allowing cell phone usage throughout flights, we have to stand together and do whatever it takes to BLOCK this from becoming a reality. If this will be regulated by individual airlines, then the pertinent executives at those airlines need to be pressured not to allow the policy. If this turns out to be the FAA or other agency spearheading and administering the policy, then similarly, pressure needs to be brought to bear. I suspect couching it as merely a "nuisance" issue wouldn't be enough to bring about the necessary pressure, but positioning it as a prospective safety (or security?) issue could be enough to get the job done. Keep your eye on the progress of this proposal, and DON'T LET IT HAPPEN!

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